Healthcare Options

(Jaunty music and then over, a bright voice) You have reached Healthcare Impedimente, where we don’t just want you to be healthy, we want you to thrive. (End music)

To continue in English, press 1. Para continuar en español, marque el numero nueve, uno, uno. If you are on a rotary phone, please stay on the line and we will transfer you to the gerontology department.

Please listen carefully, as some of our options have changed:
If you are calling for the Metro area, please press 1.
For the Valley and northern areas, please press 2.
For southern and coastal areas, please press 3.
If you don’t know where you live, please press 4 and a mental health professional will assist you.

You have selected the Metro area. If this is correct, please press 1.

(Fruity voice) Welcome to Healthcare Impedimente Metro area. (Takes on a more serious tone) If you think you have a medical or psychiatric emergency, please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital. In fact, you should have done that in the first place. If you would like to speak to someone regarding your emergency medical or psychiatric condition, please press 1 and an advice nurse will come on the line to tell you to call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.

(Bright again) For a refill from a Healthcare Impedimente pharmacy, please press 1.
If you would like to make an appointment, press 2.
To select your primary care physician, press 3.
To obtain lab results, press 4.
For directions and hours of operation, press 5.
For seasonal information, press 6.
If you can’t figure out whether your request is seasonal, please press 7 and our seasonal specialist will assist you.
To repeat, because you can’t possibly remember all these options, press 8.
To return to the previous menu, (with a vocal flourish) press 9.

(Congratulatory) You have selected Healthcare Impedimente Metro appointment center.
To cancel only using our automated service, press 1.
To check an existing appointment using our automated service, press 2.
To cancel and change an appointment using our automated system, press 3.
To make a new appointment, using the automated system, press 4.
To leave a message for your provider, press 5.
To speak to a representative, please press 4 and make an appointment.

(Suddenly casual) Okay, you have chosen to schedule an appointment.
Enter your medical record number followed by the pound key. Your Healthcare Impedimente medical record number can be found next to your address on the front of your Healthcare Impedimente membership card. If you can’t find your medical record number, stay on the line and the mental health professional will assist you just as soon as she’s finished helping the other morons who couldn’t find their address.

You have entered: dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash, dot, dot, dot. If this is correct, please press 1. Otherwise, press 2.

(Jaunty music)

I’m sorry, you have entered an incorrect medical record number. Please return to the previous menu and…

Thank you. You entered 11425400. If this is correct, press 1. Otherwise, press 2.

(Generously) Welcome to the automated appointment service sys-tem.
For an appointment today excluding physical exam, press 1.
For a future appointment excluding physical exam, press 2.

Please make a selection.

For an appointment today excluding physical exam, press 1.
For a future appointment excluding physical exam, press 2.

I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand. (With an edge of exasperation) Okay, I’ll transfer you to one of our representatives.

(Jaunty music)

Currently all representatives are busy helping other members. Due to an unusually high call volume of people who actually want a physical exam, your anticipated wait time is: (computer voice) Two. Hours. Twenty. Minutes.

To return to the previous menu, press 1.
To make an appointment to speak to the mental health professional using the automated appointment service, please press 2.
To change your healthcare provider, please press 1 800 HEALTHCARE REFORM.

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your selection. Please call again.




Copyright © 2006 Louise Godbold